Effective Parenting…An Inside Job
Posted on 28. Aug, 2007 by admin in Inspiration
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. (Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy)
So what’s WRONG with that kid, anyway? She’s aggressive, bossy, hyper, and sometimes so outspoken that you are convinced that you need to be saving for law school (or bail) now. You aren’t quite sure what you’ve done wrong, but things have become so difficult that you need some outside help. The hundreds of parenting books and and DVDs can be overwhelming and scary. Which one will help? Who is right? The marine style psychologist who barks out tough love instructions, or the "touchy feely" one who encourages classical music at the breakfast table?
The truth is, that we aren’t given enough information, much less helpful and accurate information, when we enter the parenting arena. So much emphasis is placed on decorating the baby’s room, picking out names, and "setting up shop" for a new little person to enter the world. Usually, there isn’t much useful discussion about how to parent, just unsolicited advice and debates over "to spank or not to spank." No one really expects or plans to have anything other than a smart, beautiful, and OBEDIENT child. And, despite your current frustration with back talk, calls from the school, and sibling rivalry, you DO have a smart, beautiful and obedient child.
Solutions emerge as a result of self examination, honoring the child’s uniqueness, and blending different techniques to fit your family’s needs. My own family is a work in progress. We’ve come a long way from rebelling against the inevitable ADHD label, to embracing it for the gift that it truly is. I mentioned Byron Katie’s The Work in several other blogs, and I have to give it credit for helping me self examine my own part in reinforcing negative and unwanted behavior from my children. What was I doing to contribute? If I wasn’t able "to behave" in my own mind, how in the world were my kids supposed to do it? What’s true is that I should behave. It all starts with me.
Children and their behaviors are all our teachers. How would your day be different if you thought of a temper tantrum as a lesson to learn from? Typically, I would recite all of the fast and swift punishments that I was ready to enforce if the dreaded behavior didn’t stop immediately. This ensured that the behavior would be repeated faster than a speeding bullet. I agree with Howard Glasser, creator of The Nurtured Heart Approach, that we’ve got it upside down. If we give all of our energy (which is what kids want) to what they do wrong, and busily get our work done when they are behaving well, it makes sense that the difficult child would subconsciously default to what gets our attention. See, I told you your child is smart.
I’ve consumed enough parenting books, DVDs, CDs, and workshops that I’ve become a clearing house for parents. There are only a handful of programs that are worthwhile. Even with that, I do not believe that one specific book or method is the answer. I’ve found that a blend of a few different techniques can respect the values of the family while still honoring the child and her personality/diagnosis/strengths.
Over the past several months, my son Ryan has experienced an increase in success at school, with relationships, and is really a much happier kid. I decided to ask him what he thought he was doing different.
"Nothing," he quickly replied. Of course, I was expecting a much more profound answer, like "Oh, golly Mom. It’s all of those social skills exercises that you try to do with me." So, I pressed him to really think about it.
"Well, there must be something that you notice that is different. You are really working hard, and there just hasn’t been any trouble at school lately. What do you think?"
"I guess it is that you’ve lightened up," he concluded.
Bingo! I’d stopped all of the lecturing, nagging, and yelling. What I had started, was "living it to give it." There are consequences for unwanted behavior, but that isn’t my focus now. Noticing, rewarding and complimenting what I do like is center stage.
The real truth is that you have been blessed with a child who has a lot to teach you: patience, humility, honesty, and integrity. Embrace it.
